I've been gone from the blogging world for awhile. I don't really have a good excuse other than life is incredibly busy right now with a High Schooler and a preschooler at home. Honestly by the time I get a chance to sit down, I fall asleep! As I catch up with some of my friend's Blogs, I see that they must be in the same boat as I am because they've let months go by without blogging as well!
In all honesty I have to say that the biggest reason I haven't written on "The Courageous Mommy" blog is because I have felt less than courageous for the past several months. Dis-"couraged" is more like it, along with defeated, disheartened, and at times in despair, but not very courageous. I suppose that every mother goes through periods like this, but sometimes it feels like a very lonely place. As a result I haven't felt like I am qualified to write a blog about parenting. I've felt like a failure more often than not, have had more days that have ended in frustration and regret than in victory and confidence. Each day that I sit down at the computer and try to figure out what I'd like to write about, I end up closing the lid on my lap top and giving up because I feel that I have nothing to offer in the way of encouragement to other mothers. Not every day is like this, just too many of them.
So, what has propelled me to write tonight? Just the realization that this is life, part of a phase that I am going through as a mom; and maybe, just maybe, others will gain as much from my experiences of failure and discouragement as they will from my experiences of victory and joy in motherhood. Maybe even more so.
Why am I feeling discouragement and defeat? Because I am the mother of a teenage girl and I can't do anything right in her eyes right now. And I am the mother of a preschool boy that never stops... never stops moving, never stops talking....unless the t.v. is on.....and the t.v. has been on a lot lately. I feel like most days are spent either arguing with Hannah or apologizing to her. Most nights are a literal fight to get Kade to bed. I feel like most nights I go to bed close to tears and feeling like a failure, wondering how I should have handled certain situations differently. Each morning I wake up with a new perspective and determination, spending time in Quiet study of God's Word, reflection and prayer. And then my family starts waking up and I begin making those mistakes all over again.
I look at other mothers in my sphere of influence and it seems like they have it all together; they have good relationships with their teenage daughters, they have a handle on their young son's or daughter's energy and enthusiasm (or they at least have enough energy and enthusiasm themselves to handle it). They don't forget orthodontic appointments, or show-and-share at preschool. They don't talk too much and therefore irritate and annoy their teenagers. So many of them are preparing beautiful, nutritious meals and then sharing them on Pinterest or Facebook, while more often than not I am serving cold cereal or hamburger helper because that's all I have the energy for. I'm sure that no other parent eats their words more often than I do. I don't see any other mothers embarrass their kids, but I seem to do it every time that I open my mouth! I have a hard time imagining other mothers being as cranky as I am. I describe myself as "prickly" because that's what it feels like to me and my family; like if anyone gets close enough to me they're gonna get poked! And I've often convinced myself that I am alone in my fear that I am irrevocably messing up the lives of my children by the mistakes that I am making as their mother. OK so realistically I know that other moms are struggling every bit as much as I am; but oh how it feels like I am all alone in this challenging phase of parenting!
So, even though I am feeling overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and insufficiency, why am I choosing to write now? It's not so I can complain and bemoan my life in order to gain sympathy (trust me, I know that most of you will either say "Me too!" or "Toughen up Mama, this is life!"); but it's so that through my discouragement others may find encouragement. Because deep down I know that I'm not alone in all of these feelings. And I do know that this too shall pass. Maybe at that point, the point where Mike and I are old and grey and our kids are grown and raising kids of their own, I will be able to lend some wisdom, but right now all that I can offer is empathy and support.
Because I know that ultimately none of us is adequate or sufficient to handle this responsibility given to us. Without the Lord and His wisdom and grace I know that I can't move forward but will be stuck in a parenting rut where fear and despair take over. This isn't what I want for me or for my children. I want an abundant life for my family, where we are intentional about the life that we lead, where we respond to one another and not react, where we are guided by love and respect for eachother and not selfishness and pride.
I know that I've been in a pit for a while, and I also know that I don't need to remain in that pit. God has given me the tools that I need to live life and make the choices that I need to make in order to insure that we are living for His plans and purposes. Each day is a matter of making those choices and using those tools that He's given to me. We all have struggles that we are dealing with, some are much more serious than having a teenager and preschooler in the house. I know that there are some of you who are facing health problems or behavioral problems with your kids, some of you are dealing with difficulties in your marriage or financial hardship. Life is a struggle, but it's also good and I feel that goodness when my little boy wraps his arms around my neck and tells me that I am his best friend, or when Hannah and I have a long conversation about things that are deep and meaningful, or when Mike and I take advantage of the quiet and can just be in eachother's company. The only way to gain victory in the ups and downs of life is with courage. I refuse to lose courage just because life gets a little rough! So the Courageous Mommy is back, hopefully with as much grit and determination as ever!