Roots and Wings

                Milestones aren’t always fun…..sometimes they are hard and sad and heartbreaking and exciting and joyful and victorious all at once.  We have had some milestones in our house over the last two weeks…..first Kade started the second grade, I took Hannah to school at the University of Wyoming in Laramie, and she turned 19 on her first day of College.   For me all of these various emotions are just plain exhausting!!  I have to admit that I am not a huge fan of change…..I will avoid it at all costs.  But let’s face it, reality has shown me over the years that whether I like change or not it is going to happen to all of us.  A few years ago I posted about Roots and Wings when Hannah went on a trip out of the country as an 8^th grader and I faced some anxiety about it.   I remembered this sign in my Aunt Linda's house:  “Two gifts that we give to our children are roots and wings”….it has always made a huge impression in my life, especially as I learned this week that my cousin gave it to my Aunt as a gift when she graduated from High School.

I can’t help but remember this day 19 years ago….I held this precious baby girl in my arms and had so many emotions raging through my head, heart and body.  Mainly absolute terror!  Here was this precious little baby, so innocent and new and fresh; how in the world were I and her father supposed to protect her, train her, raise her, love her, discipline her for 19 years until she was on her own?  I remember bringing Hannah home and saying to myself ”What were they thinking at the hospital?  Why in the world would they send this new life home with me when I have no idea what I am doing?!”  I think back to taking her to a picnic on Labor Day weekend when she was two days old and had some older ladies scold me for having her out so soon (meanwhile my own mother was more concerned with my own physical well-being than my baby’s because “babies are so resilient”…that’s a mother for you).  I remember the first time that I put her in a car seat for the 30 minute car ride back to Cody for her first well-baby check and forgot to buckle her into the car.  I bawled to my mother for 45 minutes, sure that someone would want to take her away from me!  I remember the weeks of trying to nurse her and failing miserably…..literally miserable (some of you Mamas know exactly what I am talking about!), thinking that I was a complete failure as a mother.  And those thoughts didn’t leave through the years, those feelings of failure continued to plague me for 19 years (especially during those super fun pre-teen and teenage years when makeup and boys and curfews were involved); but here is the thing….these 19 years have also been filled with unbelievable joy and fulfillment and contentment and blessing in being Hannah MacCarrie Fraley’s mother.  Not only do I remember all of those feelings of fear and failure, I remember looking into those deep blue eyes and thinking “This….this is what I was born to do.  I was born to be her mother.”  And if God had intended for Hannah to be Mike’s and my child, then He certainly has equipped us all of these years.  Including these past few days when all of the years  and love and emotion that Mike and I have invested in our girl comes down to the end of the road this well traveled road....well not really the end of the road, we all know that she will still be calling for advice and will still need the support and love of her parents; but our role as her parents has drastically changed.

  I have learned a few things as I have prepared to  take Hannah to college.  First of all, no matter how well we prepare ourselves as parents, we are never really prepared!   If we do our job right, they are prepared, but we aren’t.  Maybe I’m speaking more as a mother of a first child leaving for college…..no matter how much I prayed and read and spoke to Mike and myself about how we were ready…..I was not ready to say goodbye…..and I really do think that that is ok…..as long as it doesn’t get weird.  There is an appropriate sadness that I think is ok to go through. When I took Hannah to school…four hours away….I hung around for a few days.  Some of my friends  didn’t make the trek to college, some stayed for just that day, some stayed for longer.  I admit that because Hannah’s first day of college was also her birthday I was prepared to stay for a week!  But common sense (and my husband along with a good friend) suggested otherwise.  Regardless….it’s all ok!  If we are sensitive to our kids that are going to college we will know how long they need us, and if they are ready to kick us out, or if they want us to hang around for awhile….it’s all ok!  I know that for Hannah and I, we were both were comfortable with her experience in moving into the dorms, making new friends as well as catching up with old friends.  I had no doubt that she was just fine where she was and I saw God’s Hand in so much of this new transition.  And yet we weren’t ready to say goodbye for a few days.   The fact of the matter is that Hannah and I actually love one another’s company!  So when I finally left, it was after spending some time with a precious young lady that I truly and thoroughly love being with and appreciate and consider a friend and confidant ….. not in fear or anxiety of how she would survive and cope without her father and I; but in confidence that God, Mike and I had prepared her for this next phase of her journey.  And although Hannah was not ready for me to leave, she wasn’t fearful or anxious, she was just sad to see her Mom go. 

God has been so good at directing and preparing us for this transition.  I think that Pastor William and Pastor Stephen’s sermons the past few weeks on “Wesley on Money” has actually prepared me to let my girl go.  I know it sounds a little off topic to talk about our kids leaving for College in terms of how we are supposed to use our gifts and money….and yet aren’t our children our greatest gifts?  This sermon series has prepared me to let my girl go (as well as convicting me on how I view our finances).  As I said today in a Facebook Post to Hannah Mac on her Birthday…..”Happy Birthday to my Sunshine Girl!!  For 19 years you have brought love and laughter, music and beauty, into our lives.  It’s so hard that we are celebrating YOU from a distance, but God never intended for us to keep all of that sunshine to ourselves….He wants you to spread it around!”   Hannah is on loan to Mike and I, and He has great plans for her life (Jeremiah 29:11); we were never intended to keep her all to ourselves.  And because of that I have no fear…..just sadness at the change in our family dynamics as I will enjoy a really great cup of coffee and quiet time without my girl…..but I am praying that as she ventures on her own she will be blessed by her very own really great cup of coffee and quiet time at UW!!   She has very deep roots and therefore is ready to fly!

 

Jana M. Fraley

“Teach me, Oh Lord, to follow Your decrees.” PsaLm 119:33

Justice Versus Vengeance

"Lord, hear a just cause; pay attention to my cry; listen to my prayer- from lips free of deceit. Let my vindication come from you, for you see what is right."  Psalm 17:1-2 HCSB

Almost every day the media reports shootings, bombings, protests, cars crashing into crowds of people and other forms of terrorism where we feel completely helpless.  Almost every day.....all around the world.  People of every race, nation, gender, and religion are so desperate to have their own personal causes heard that they are willing to go to whatever extreme, including taking other human lives, to guarantee that they have a voice.  People who are so desperate to be seen as worthy and right in their causes that they refuse to see the evil that has taken hold.  Certain groups of people truly fear for their lives because of the color of their skin, or because of what they do for a living, or because of how they choose to live their lives.  And my heart breaks at the pain and fear that others feel, and my soul is tempted to give into despair at the state of the human race in this day and age.  Especially right now in the midst of a very dramatic and tense Presidential Election that seems to have no ideal outcome.

Ultimately we aren't dealing with a need for more gun control or stiffer immigration policies, or legislation on hate; although I know people from both sides that will argue that these are exactly what we need.  I personally think that these are just bandaides that we are trying to put on a gaping and bleeding wound....and that wound is sin.  Our problem isn't racism or guns or immigration problems....it's a heart problem....it's a sin problem, and we all are vulnerable to giving in to it because at the root of this sin problem is selfishness and pride.  We feel that we don't need to take the time to listen and really try to understand where the other side is coming from because we feel that our side is the only one that matters.  We feel right in our causes, but do we ask God to examine our hearts and expose our true motives?

In the last week as I studied and meditated on Psalm 17, God has shown me that our circumstances are not new to Him. He has continually dealt with evil, and pride and selfish motives, along with His people's fears and pleadings for justice and mercy.  The  life of King David has shown me that God hears our cries and knows that we want justice for our causes....the key is to seek His justice and not our own vengeance.  Because that is what we are dealing with; groups of people who want their causes to be heard yet aren't willing to go to Him, instead seeking justice and vengeance on their own...in their own strength and power and wisdom.  And this is why we are seeing evil raise it's ugly head and seemingly gain an advantage in the world.  

But through this Psalm and David's life I see how God wants His people to react.  Psalm 17 is more of a pleading prayer than a praise, and I think that's ok....David shows us that there are times to sing praises, and times to cry out in prayer.  His is a plea for justice; and if anyone had a cause to scream "Unfair!!!" it would be David.  In the midst of false accusations and persecution, being hunted down by his own father-in-law, whom he had protected and fought for, David faced an outer, physical battle with Saul and his men, but he also fought an inner battle where he had to face fear.  Both of these battles urged David to make a choice....seek justice and vengeance on his own or fall on God's mercy, allowing Him to fight David's cause and right the wrongs done to him.  

David asks God to recognize his integrity and his heart. During this time of crisis, when his very life is in danger, David wants God to know that he is praying with no hidden motives or known deceit.  He had confidence that God would hear his plea because his cause was just.  And David did not want vindication over his enemy if it didn't come from God.  David teaches us through his prayer that we can give all of our struggles and pain, all of our fears, all of the ways that we feel we have been persecuted and mistreated and we can give them to God to take care of. We don't need to protest how unfairly we have been treated because God knows our cause and He will be the One to mete out justice to our enemies, we don't need to lift a finger.  Instead we can rely on Him to give us wisdom and discernment and to judge the motives of our own hearts.  David's emphasis was on God's justice and not his own vindication.  Maybe if we all focused on that then the world would be a less scary and hostile place. 
 #EveryLifeMatters  #VengeanceBelongsToTheLord #Psalm17 #LessonsFromDavid

Ranch Kids vs Cowboys

     

 

Today was one of those days that my son learned the difference between playing cowboy and being a ranch kid.  That you might have the cowboy garb with a button down shirt, a good looking cowboy hat and chaps and spurs that give you the right cowboy look; but if you don't have the heart for this way of life you are probably not a ranch kid.

Today was a hard day.  Most days he and I both just revel in the fact that we have the life that we do, that we get to enjoy being outdoors, wide open spaces, cattle that look great, trusty horses that you love spending time on, good grass, mild weather, bonding time with family.  Life is good.  

And then we have days like today.....days that are full of lessons for a ranch kid.  Mornings where you get up before the sun and it's chilly, but a few hours later it is blazing hot and dusty.  Days when cattle go into gates they aren't supposed to and those that are supposed to run right past them.  When Mama cows forget they have babies and you have to remind them because you can't get to the holding pasture without keeping the pairs intact.  You have those days when that trusty horse that you love won't cooperate and you have to fight him to do what you want him to do.  Family bonding means getting yelled at because you're at the wrong place at the wrong time and hearing a few choice words from your Dad and Grandpa.  You learn the importance of paying attention and not day dreaming, of taking a wide circle and not riding too close to the fence when your Dad is bringing a pair towards you.  You have those days that after so many hours in the saddle your bottom and your knees start to hurt even if you are only 7 years old, but you just gotta keep on riding through it until the works done.  Those days that you learn while working cattle that it's not all fun and games and you'd better put your rope away unless you intend on throwing a loop at a run-a-way calf!  You learn to eat your breakfast because it may be a long time before lunch....unless you are lucky and your Mom packs you a few smooshed up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and then you learn to be oh so grateful for those!  And this time of year you learn all about the birds and the bees.....or rather the Bulls and the cows, which lead to a lot of questions that your Mom has to carefully answer.  

Days like today teach a kid that while the cowboy way of life might be glamorous and fun, the ranch kid way of life is not all that it's cracked up to be.  It means long days and hard work and not a whole lot of fun. But at the end of the day, the thing that separates a ranch kid from a wanna-be-cowboy is when he is ready to do it all over again the next day whether he wants to or not!  Thank God for ranch kids!

I Am My Mother's Daughter. I Am My Daughter's Mother

Yesterday I stood in front of the Mother’s Day and Graduation card section at Walmart and burst into tears.  Why in the world do they have those cards right beside each other?!  There was no controlling it, I was overcome with a sense of loss and change and deep sadness.  I’ve been trying to hold it together for the past week as I have realized that my role as a Mother and a Daughter has completely turned upside down and inside out; it has changed and because of that I have changed.  And yet, now that my tears have subsided….for now….and I face my first Mother’s Day without my mother and as I prepare my heart to watch my first born graduate I am left contemplating what my Mother and Daughter have taught me, how their lives have helped to shape and mold my own.  These two women (I can’t believe that I am actually referring to my daughter as a “woman”) have had such enormous impacts in my life and I would not be the woman that I am if it weren’t for them.

 I have learned from both Mom and Hannah the fine art of laughing at myself.  Times when I would rather cry or dig a hole to hide in, they have both been an example of how not to take myself too seriously.  Life would be dull and colorless if it weren’t for the spilled coffee or chocolate sauce on our white shirts or the times that we’ve tripped and managed to catch ourselves just before hitting the ground with our faces.  How boring would it be without the toilet paper hanging from our panty hose at weddings, or the times we’ve accidentally found ourselves in the men’s bathroom instead of the women’s?  The ability to laugh at our mistakes and blunders only adds to the beauty of our days, it doesn’t diminish it.

My Mother and Daughter have also each brought music into my life.  I cherish the memories that I have of Mom and I doing dishes together “harmonizing” to “Rocky Top” or “Country Roads”….it wasn’t until I was an adult and able to laugh at myself that I realized that it isn’t really harmonizing when one person isn’t able to carry a tune in a bucket!   I loved it when she would bring out her guitar and sing for the boys and me, or share songs that she and her Dad used to sing together.  I’ll never forget when she introduced me to the music that she loved as a child and a young adult, listening to her old records and singing songs like “Three Wheels On My Wagon” are some of the best and dearest memories my brothers and I have.  The love of music that she and her granddaughter shared was a precious gift to both of them.  I’ll never forget how excited she was when she discovered that she finally had someone to harmonize with!  The days of cleaning up the kitchen had a whole new level of joy once she and Hannah began singing together.  And the music that my sweet daughter has brought into our house has brought immeasurable joy, not to mention the way that her face lights up whenever she is making music or sharing her gift with other people.  The joy she has felt and exudes each time she performs is contagious and blesses my heart.  They both have taught me that you don’t have to have the voice of an angel, or any musical ability at all in order to receive and enjoy the gift of music.

Mom and Hannah have each taught me about grace.  It’s one thing to read about God’s grace or to hear about it in a sermon, but to actually see grace lived out in someone’s life…that is a beautiful thing to experience.  At different times and stages in my life I have been shown and showered with grace by my Mom and my Daughter.  It’s not been so terribly long ago that I can’t remember what being a teenager was like….those years were full of selfishness and insecurities and hurt feelings and hurting other people’s feelings.  Yet through all of my messy and sometimes ugly teenage years I was given grace by a mother that loved me unconditionally and who taught me that my true identity came from the Lord who had created me and gave me gifts and talents and characteristics that made me unique and precious.  I didn’t have to earn her love I just had it.  I learned during those years that no matter how ugly or inadequate I felt, knowing that my Mother loved me and thought that I was beautiful and full of potential was enough for me.  I’ve tried to gift this same grace to Hannah, but more often than not over the last 18 ½ years my daughter has taught me about grace.  Forgiving me when I have failed as a Mom, overlooking my shortcomings and instead focusing on what I’ve done right over the years for she and Kade.  She and her grandmother have always been my biggest supporters and cheerleaders.  Both of them have encouraged me to not let go of my own dreams and goals, but to keep on chasing them.  And they each have shown me the beauty and joy of extending grace to those around me.

 Lastly my Mother and Daughter have shown me the importance of having a right perspective in life.  Because life is hard and messy at times, full of disappointments and sorrow and regret.  But life is also beautiful and full of joy and victories and purpose.  Something that my Mom would always say about herself was that she was an “optimistic realist”.  She wasn’t a Pollyanna, she didn’t look at life like nothing bad could ever happen as long as you just lived the right way or did the right things.  She was a ranch wife….she knew that life could be tough and sometimes not turn out the way that you wanted or expected it to.  But Life was still good and at the end of the day when you go to God with all that you are blessed with, you can’t help but be thankful.   She taught me that all of the hard things in life just kind of fade away in the light of eternity and God’s plan for each of us.  And the fact that the Lord does indeed have the power to work all things together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28); the realist side of her would say that this doesn’t mean that all things are good, but it does mean that God has the ability to take even the most tragic of circumstances and turn them into something beautiful and useful for our good and His glory.  And Hannah has been such an example of this!  She has faced many great victories but also some pretty tough disappointments in her 18 years.  There have been things that she has worked so hard for and found herself coming up short.  I have watched as she has discovered that she could allow those disappointments to destroy and take away something of value to her, or she could just put her nose to the grindstone, keep on working hard and forge ahead to the next thing, refusing to give up or give in to self-doubt or pity.  I’ve seen how my girl has weighed those disappointments in life on a godly scale, not a worldly one…. determining whether or not in the grand scheme of life it really mattered.  I’ve watched as she has maturely let some things and some people go who have not had a good influence on her soul.  Hannah and my Mom have taught me that life is precious and too short to allow things into our lives that steal joy and keep our character stunted. 

 As I reflect early on this Mother’s Day morning I am struck with the realization that I am the Mother that I am because of these two precious women in my life.  Even though I ache deeply with missing my Mom, and as I prepare my heart to watch my Daughter go out on her own, I am overcome with joy and awe at just how blessed I am.  Happy Mother’s Day to my sweet Mama in heaven and to all of the other women in my life who have blessed me!!

“Her children arise and call her blessed.” Proverbs 31:28